Kiss
Puke
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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