I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
