Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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