if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Randomize
