is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
i out mim tonsoeep
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize