Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
