Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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