My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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