i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
