My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
