It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Randomize
