She said her name was "party"
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
the liver wants what the liver wants
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
