I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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