tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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