I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
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