I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
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