I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
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he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
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She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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