I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
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