Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
