We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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