It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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