my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
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