my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
