Swine flu is the new snow day.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Randomize
