My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
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