47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
