On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
