I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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