I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Randomize
