so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
You need a sexual gate keeper
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
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