i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon