Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.