having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Randomize
