Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
