can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Randomize
