I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
