when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
