So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
