I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Ladies don't puke and tell
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
