im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Please don't give away my fajitas
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
