and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
