i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Randomize
