If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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