I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Randomize
