when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
