so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
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