the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Randomize
