I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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