Culvers...So Good
So good. The butter burgers slip right outta my ass.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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