The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
