My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
