So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
