hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.