In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Randomize
