my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
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