My room smells like vodka and shame
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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