Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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