i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Thank you for not boning my boss.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
