i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Randomize
