i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
